Monday List: RuPaul Parodies That Should Be Done

In honour of the Season 10 final four (#TeamAsia), enjoy these five suggestions for the future seasons. Got better ones? Leave a comment below!

1. Murder on the Whore-ient Express

I mean, how has thus not been done already?! Melodramatic, riddled with stereotypes and full of great costume opportunities, Agatha Christie (Hag-atha Christie? Agatha Bitchy?) is easy pickings for RuPaul and his posse. Imagine the exaggerated death scenes. So much potential for bitch slaps here.

2. PRIDE 🏳️‍🌈 and Prejudice/Jane Whore-sten

Okay, so I can’t quite think of the puns, but hear me out. Again, pretty costumes. They literally have balls in these books. There is a house called “NETHERfield”. There are a wealth of ott female characters. Bendelacreme’s Snatch Game Maggie Smith shares a lot of similarities with Lady Catherine de Bourgh. The Colin Firth-lake scene? I’m sure the Pit Crew would be more than happy to oblige…

3. Wuthering Tights/Jane Hair

Catherine Earnshaw is so extra, she might as well have been a drag queen. If Kate Bush is ever a guest judge (please Drag Gods make this happen), there is no question what should be the main challenge – or the lip sync song for that matter. Pit the Brontes against each other with this team challenge. Nick some inspiration for Jane’s Red Room from Christian Grey’s infamous version, and we’ll be off to a good start.

4. Great British Cake Off

Like The Bitchelor in All Stars 3, reality shows are always good fun, with a big variety of characters allowing different queens to play to their strengths and improv a bit. This one has the added bonus of being British, so we can all enjoy some terrible terrible accent attempts, and perhaps a Mary/Prue/resident older woman impression or two. And think of all the fun that could be had with the baked goods – #DragFoodFight.

5. Fahrenheit 69 #DragDystopia

Just for the title alone…

With thanks to Sam (@SamButtler) for the punny names. 

Inspirational AF: Failure is Good for Other People

One of the great things about becoming a teacher (apart from the long holidays, 4pm finishes, and hilariously stupid responses from children) is that you start to lose the fear of being bad at something – or at least the fear of starting.

I’ve feel like I naturally stick to the things I know and love. Singing. Theatre. Books. The Leggera Padana at Pizza Express (it’s obviously the best – fight me). I love trying new things… as long as they’re already within my comfort zone.

Like any classic milennial/gen z – I fall sort of in-between generations – this is partly from a fear of failure. The British education system also encourages us to specialise, and to avoid what we’re not good at as soon as possible. This worked pretty well for me, as a freakish child who knew what they wanted to do from the outset, but with people who want to be doctors but also fancy a spot of art on the side it’s not so easy. A levels, and the way universities treat them, encourage specialism. STEM scholars in particular suffer here. A humanities student has a certain level of freedom in their choices outside of their degree subject, whereas parents and institutions often encourage STEM students to choose within only that small field. To paraphrase Paris is Burning, they demand “STEMs across the board.” And with all this specialism, this dedication to only a certain type of subject, trying new things and starting from nothing can feel pretty scary. Also no one likes being a failure, let’s be honest.

But! Working at a school has encouraged me to push past this pessimism. If an eleven year old can start learning something with so much enthusiasm, why shouldn’t I? Also, and here’s the best bit: of I fail, I’m simply being a relatable role model for the kids. There’s nothing more comforting than seeing an older person mess something up. Phew. Pressure’s off. Now they can feel better about themselves – I’ve done a good deed simply by being really quite shit at poetry writing/rounders/the floss. Give yourself a pat on the back and a gold star.

So yesterday I went bouldering, something I’ve been meaning to do for ages. I was pretty rubbish, I can’t lie (the video is my talented friend, not me. Hopefully some people didn’t read down to here and think that I’m that skilled.) But thanks to some rather determined friends I made it up six or seven routes. They were the easiest ones and I was terrified every time my feet left the ground but still. I also learnt that a lot of bouldering is sitting on the floor chatting and watching other, extremely ripped people do all the work – so it was much more enjoyable than anticipated.

To sum up: If you fail, you are doing your good deed for the day and everyone thanks you for it. Also bouldering is fun.

Costume Ideas: My Dad Wrote a Porno

In honour of my upcoming trip to My Dad Wrote A Porno (Live) and based off of my mad panic today to brainstorm a costume at the last minute, I have compiled a list of ideas for all you Belinkers out there.

  • Alfie, the Smallish Man Dressed in Black.
    Simple. Be small. Dressed entirely in black. Looking vaguely like a tech guy probably helpful – you could hold some wires?
  • The Glee Team
    aka Belinda herself (think business but also wearing as little as humanly possible), plus Giselle (with half her hair ripped out) and who could forget the one and only Bella. Slash Donna. Just wear the sluttiest clothing you can think of, and if you’re Bella act incredibly dumb. Or if you want more of an obvious theme…
  •  The Glee Team on Giselle’s Hen Do
    See above, but add penis memorabilia, sashes, badges, and all that jazz.
    giphy
  • The Duchess
    Wear riding kit – riding boots, jodhpurs, mole-hair jacket, helmet, and of course a riding crop.
    giphy (1).gif
  • The Chocolate Fountain/Lake
    Cover yourself in melted chocolate/brown paint and look like you’ve just stepped out of the Chocolat™ Chocolate Fountain. Or even dress as a Chocolat™ Chocolate Bar. giphy (2).gif
  • Pomegranate(s)
    The infamous hanging pomegranates. Who can forget them?
    If you have the time and energy to put effort in, this is an amazing how-to video

    If you can’t be bothered, you could simply bring along a few pomegranates, or make a T-Shirt with two of this image on it (you know where)
    Half_Peeled_Pomegranate_BNC.jpg

  • A Bottle of Chilean Chardonnay
    Another iconic image. Dress in green or white, make a cork with a cone hat of brown paper, and stick a big fancy wine label on your shirt.
    giphy (3).gif
  • The Regional Managers
    Go as one or all of Dave Wilcox, Ken Doonesbury, Des Martin or Patrick O’Hamlin. Dress in suits and look slightly insecure whenever a woman with boobs comes near you. Be as stereotypically Irish/Northern etc. as possible.
  • Helga
    Everything woolen. EVERYTHING.
  • A non-stick tin wok.
    Enough said. 

How to spend a bank holiday weekend

 

      1. Throughout the week, keep mentioning to people that it’s a bank holiday weekend in tones of surprise and joya
      2. On Friday exclaim “Excited for the weekend?!” to your colleagues, and give a knowing wink and a chuckle to indicate you know of the existence of the bank holiday.a
      3. Start drinking.a
      4. Lie in. For as long as humanly possible.a
      5. Enjoy the sun by wearing as little as possible and sitting outside rather than inside at the pub. BBQs optional. a.gif
      6. Make a to-do list of all the things you will do with your long weekend.a
      7. Ignore everything on the list. Drink more. Sleep more. Brunch. a
      8. Feel smug all of Monday. a
      9. Realise you have done nothing and it’s work tomorrow.a.gif
      10. Remember there’s another bank holiday at the end of the month. a

 

“I shall never laugh but in that maid’s company”

Merry Wives of Windsor, Act 1, Scene 4

William Shakespeare

A massive THANK YOU to everyone who’s been reading and following and liking and commenting recently 🙂 I hit 2000 views last week, and although I know that isn’t a lot to most bloggers, I’m super excited about it! So thanks guys – hope you’ve enjoyed reading these ramblings…

Let’s move on, before I get all embarrassingly gooey and emotional, to the main part of this post: humour books, of which I got a whole bunch for Christmas, starting with…

  • ‘Is It Just Me?’ by Miranda Hart – This topped the bestseller hardback charts for aaagggges, allImage through the Christmas period, showing just how successful Miranda’s trademark clumsy, awkward style has become. Now, I am a massive fan of the show. I even went to see Episode Six of Series Three (the latest one) being filmed. But if you find her clutzy, hyper, talking-to-the-camera thing annoying, step away from this book! If you’re not quite sure who Miranda is, or have only seen her on ‘Call the Midwife’, here’s the online blurb to give you a little taste of what her style is like:

“Well hello to you dear browser. Now I have your attention it would be rude if I didn’t tell you a little about my literary feast. So, here is the thing: is it just me or does anyone else find that adulthood offers no refuge from the unexpected horrors, peculiar lack of physical coordination and sometimes unexplained nudity, that accompanied childhood and adolescence?

Does everybody struggle with the hazards that accompany, say, sitting elegantly on a bar stool; using chopsticks; pretending to understand the bank crisis; pedicures – surely it’s plain wrong for a stranger to fondle your feet? Or is it just me?

I am proud to say I have a wealth of awkward experiences – from school days to life as an office temp – and here I offer my 18-year-old self (and I hope you too dear reader) some much needed caution and guidance on how to navigate life’s rocky path.

Because frankly where is the manual? The much needed manual to life. Well, fret not, for this is my attempt at one and let’s call it, because it’s fun, a Miran-ual. I thank you.”

And yes, to some people, that can get pretty annoying, pretty quickly. However, if you too find Miranda’s sitcom hilarious, you should enjoy the book; the intimacy which she creates by speaking to camera is mirrored in her language, as she calls the reader ‘My Dear Reader Chum’ (MDRC for short) and carries on conversations with her eighteen-year old self who, to someone almost eighteen at least, sounds ridiculously childish. But then again, maybe I am ridiculously childish and just don’t realise it (see my Shakespeare duck for proof of this theory). Maybe in thirty years time, I’ll look back on this post and chuckle softly to myself at my supposed ‘maturity’, shake my head amusedly, and think “You have absolutely no idea, little Alice…”

…And then again maybe not. Anyway, back to the book. I basically found it fun to read, but not always laugh-out-loud-hilarious. To be honest, I found the answer to ‘Is it just me?’ was all too often ‘Yes. Yes, Miranda, it is just you.’  The anecdotes that accompany the Miranda-specific problems are still funny, but just not as entertaining as those you immediately identify with, like her Diet Book.

“Chapter One – Eat less. Chapter Two – Move more. The End.”

That is the sort of thing that makes this book stand out from the other celebrity autobiographies. Although at times the determined goofiness can seem a little trite, it’s original, silly and often snortingly funny, unlike…

  • ‘Moranthology’ by Caitlin Moran, unfortunately – I love love loved Moran’s first: ‘How to Be a Woman’ and this just wasn’t any near as good. Waaahh, I feel so let down. Although there were some entertaining sections (like the bit on ‘Sherlock’. I love Sherlock. But more on that later…), I felt she dwelt far too Imagemuch on her troubled background for my liking. Not to be mean but after the twentieth ‘oh look at my hilariously weird and wonderful background which I can use both for comedic and serious points, because although it now seems hysterical, it actually raises some very grave issues about the state of society both now and then’ column, it simply left me…bored, if I’m honest. It was just too much of a muchness for my liking. On the plus side, every single piece is superbly written, especially those on Lady Gaga and her in-bed conversations with her husband; I just needed some more variety in ideas and themes to keep it interesting and fresh. I didn’t get the belly-laughs and shoulder-shaking I wanted, more a slight smile as I turned the page, eager to get onto my next book for some proper funny.
  • ‘Mrs Hudson’s Diaries: A View from the Landing at 221B’ by Bob and Barry Cryer – Now, as I’ve said, I am infatuated with both the BBC’s ‘Sherlock’ and Arthur Conan Doyle’s original stories, so the promise of more Holmes combined with Barry Cryer’s quick wit,Image which he demonstrates on ‘I’m Sorry, I Haven’t a Clue’ every week on BBC Radio 4, got me pretty damn excited. However, again, I was left disappointed, but in an entirely different way; whereas, had I not had such high expectations from Moran, I would probably have thought it was much better, this book just left me…ambivalent. What can I say about it, except that this Oliver Philpot chap who kept turning up was clearly meant to be amusing but was actually ridiculously annoying? There wasn’t nearly enough on Sherlock and Watson, and far too much on random characters invented to be friends to Mrs Hudson and fill out the story. The idea itself had a lot of potential, but this book was neither funny nor serious, neither excellent nor awful, merely average. Saying all this, many of the reviews on Amazon are very complimentary, so maybe I’m being harsh? But whereas I would probably recommend the other two books, I felt this was just a waste of time, as I plodded through it like thick custard, just waiting to get to the sweet, tart humour below, but it never came. So then I was left with just a bowl of custard. (Metaphor gone too far? Yeah, I agree. It stops here, don’t worry).

Wow, this a long post. Sorry guys – I lost half of it and then had to re-write and blahblahblah. Hope you’ve enjoyed reading it anyway! I’m going to see ‘Turn of the Screw’, an adaptation of Henry James’ novella at the Almeida this Friday, so I’ll be sure to report back on that. Currently I’m wading my way through ‘The Coming of the Third Reich’ by Richard Evans to help with my History A-Level, and then I’ve got a short novel lined up, kindly given to me by one of my teachers, but any suggestions for what to read after that would be gratefully received 🙂